Sticks and Bones

The first part of a chronicle of a crush-turned-obsession. I'm sorry, Julie.


To experience this in natural reading order go to A Bright, Ironic Hell: The Straight Read .


Also, try Satellite Dance and Crystal Delusions--Parts 2 and 3, respectively--complete.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Hey, Brother, Can You Spare a Clue? (11/13/08 Thursday)

I read and read--The History of Aythan Waring--but as the story compels me to continue, I see the end of the book looming but not the next book beyond. Another ending to dread. As I force myself to stop reading, I force myself to write. Will this simply be a compulsion from now on, or a balance of compulsions, a bouncing from one to another to stave off the ultimate realization of their separate and collective meaninglessness?

The bag of books sits in front of the front door so I can't forget it. My mind, as usual, races with scenarios, but I pay them little heed. It's not important how this happens, just that it does. I did slip one notecard--"How does the sun reach your garden behind those walls?"--into the last Brother Cadfael.

If I can hope, I can continue this. But what Hell that would be. If I never saw Julie again, I could dream and play "What If?" endlessly. After I return her books I can speculate as fancifully as I like that I've influenced her to a positive turn, that there may be an answer slipped into my locker, written without her usual care in the heat of a fevered revelation. For how long will I hope that? For how long will I live in this denial, torturing myself? For as long as I must see her at work, probably.

*****

(I've brought both the book and the journal to work, but I don't feel like reading and am not sure I have anything to write. I'm not all that intent on eating, either. I'm at lunch, and the only other occupant of the breakroom is Julie. I've brought her books, but as it was pouring rain when I go here I left them in Stacey's car. I'll give them to her at her car at closing. We share a desk hour later; I'll tell Julie then about the books--to what end, I'm not sure, except to relieve some of my stress. Another five days off would be nice about now--right now.)

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