Sticks and Bones

The first part of a chronicle of a crush-turned-obsession. I'm sorry, Julie.

To experience this in natural reading order go to A Bright, Ironic Hell: The Straight Read .

Also, try Satellite Dance and Crystal Delusions--Parts 2 and 3, respectively--complete.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Fatebook? (6/12/09 Friday)

We haven't spoken since I said goodnight Tuesday. She won't even look at me. She won't make eye contact.

I made a Facebook account to get Faith to talk about her mom, but she seems to be backing off, says her mom is "shy about these things." I won't press it. Julie is on Facebook. I knew that already, from when Chris, her rescuer, prodded her to get on there. I don't know if Facebook tracks profile views, so I also created a dummy account--fake name, school, birthdate, etc., to peek at herpage with relative anonymity--an ethical lapse of judgment, I know, but I paid for it on my first visit. What I found was someone who hardly needed me in her life for all the friends she had already. Of course, "friend" on the web does not imply friendship, but she's not the reclusive little old lady that I more or less took her to be--wanted her to be. I was numbed. All I could feel was sad for myself. By late afternoon, thought of Julie could not raise my temperature or my longing for her. Would I have anything more to write? Was this the end of my feelings for her? It might not be quite a void I'd be stepping into, but at least a change I'm not to ready make, a shift from something that I could always count on--painful as it has been--to a new unknown--a kick out of the nest. I'm not ready, because there has been no "literary" ending--no full-circle, no tied-together ends. It's just a car left in the backyard that will eventually grow a tree through its roof. Not even a twist, like we're brother and sister--which would at least would explain why, despite her "French" heritage, she's so interested in Scotland; and it might also account for my lack of sexual attraction to her--her body was never a factor in my interest in her. Oh, how glib I am now, at he end of a day that alternated blurringly between catatonia and blinding rage. Perhaps there was a catharsis in there somewhere; or I'm just spent. Or maybe there are no other feelings that I haven't exhausted. We'll see what feelings I have tomorrow, at work, with Julie.


Deboshree said...

Hello there!
This is the first time I have read your blog and I have to say..I rather like it!
I read quite a few posts and I can see what you mean.
Boy, you like her sooo much?
Don't mind me saying so but is it really bad if you tell her or does she totally give the uninterested air?It's the latter for sure?

As for what happened on facebook, don't be too surprised. We can never know people too well, even the people close to us. Then what are the people who are not so close to us anyway? She may have a whole new side which you have not seen but may have existed nevertheless.
I'll be following your blog..not only to see what finally happens..but also to help you along the way as a friend who understands what you are going through.


Dion Burn said...

I appreciate your comments, Debroshee. As to how Julie react to my "reminders," I think she is a little annoyed and barely indulgent. It seems she would rather I pretended as she does that nothing is going on between us.

She does have a side I never knew existed--that's what has depressed me.

Thank you again for your insights. Please keep reading. If you want to start from the start, you should go to The Straight Read, where it's all in reading order up through May.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate - my building up of my crushees in my mind, then the realisation that it was all an illusion. Well, or much of it, anyway.. It's not easy.