Sticks and Bones

The first part of a chronicle of a crush-turned-obsession. I'm sorry, Julie.


To experience this in natural reading order go to A Bright, Ironic Hell: The Straight Read .


Also, try Satellite Dance and Crystal Delusions--Parts 2 and 3, respectively--complete.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Steps Forward:Steps Back (7/26/09 Sunday)

I've no doubt that the trees in the Irony Forest have continued to fall noisily while I was out of auditory range. I wandered close to its edge yesterday and heard this one: Of all my talk of integrity and candor and honest, organic, no-tricks resolution, I am faking it till I make it. I'm not, of course, pretending to be a nice guy off whose back adversity rolls. I'm pretending I don't give a damn. The objective--normalcy-is the same. This way takes less effort and is closer from the start to the objective. I hate it when I care what Julie is up to or what she's saying to whom. I need her to be a non-entity, and that can't happen if I pay her any attention outside the professionally necessary. If Julie plays by my rules I'll forget her and what I thought she meant to me. I need her to not talk to me, to avoid me as obviously as I avoid her. I only care a little bit how I come off to her, but it's caring too much. She' already helping one way, though: A quality for which I'd always respected her has fallen by the wayside: Previously above this kind of thing, Julie has taken on adversarial attitude toward some of our less-than-favorite patrons, joining the large, all-female club on the circulation staff. The retailer in her skin has finally stepped out of it, and it's not pretty. Even if I were still blinded by my inane hopes, I wouldn't have let that slide. This puts her that much closer to simply "coworker"--that is, where I need her to be. Monday, I will try to reclaim my stake in No-Man's Land. It was surprisingly easy land to grab last week, but also too easily lost. The knot in my neck had gone away by the time I no longer needed to convince myself to not look at her. It's a longer week this coming week than the last, though. I'll have four full days with her in which to test this flimsy pretense. I can almost hear the trees falling to clear a path for me. If only I knew where it leads--but would that stop me from following it?

6 comments:

Deboshree said...

I wish you the best Dion.But I wonder how long you can keep up with this pretense...

Love
Deboshree

Anna said...

What would happen if you couldn't keep it up? Would she completely obliterate you? Not sure I like Julie anymore... ..not that I'm sure I was ever a big fan...

Anna
x

Dion Burn said...

I don't want to keep up this strategy to the point where I become so good at it that it becomes no longer a pretense. But given my distaste for such behavior, I can't believe I can keep it up for long. Then what? Will I fully revert to that hopelessy hopeful hang-dog, or will the strategy have, ultimately, worked? Essentially, I'm keeping it up as long as I get no reaciton from Julie. I'm determined to no longer flatter with my desperate attention. Please don't dislike Julie. She's as troubled and complex as any of us are; I just haven't been able to express that, because she hasn't allowed me in; she's not responsible for hurting me, just frustrating me.

t.c.sinatras said...

Hmmm, not sure if you like Julie.....that would imply that you know me and you don't. Neither does Dion. You only know what you read about me in this blog and that's one person's perspective. Remember, there are two sides to every story. I have made it clear to Dion what my feelings were. Never have I tried to mislead him or play games. I have tried to respect his feelings but when everything you say and do, or not say and do for that matter, is publicly displayed, criticized, analyzed and second-guessed, it's hard to maintain that respect as I feel my feelings and privacy have not been respected. The result is that I no longer wish to speak to Dion at all. It seems to be a case of damned if I do or damned if I don't. How would you feel Anna, if you were in my position? Perhaps, before you judge me or anyone else, you should consider their position.

pandoraskey said...

I have to admit that I have found this blog interesting and yes I do analyze and second guess. I have been both the "hunter" and "the hunted" in life but think it is unfair that love does this to us. It creeps into us unwanted and unrequited many times in some lives. All we can do is work it, work it out the best way we can learn how. Some have carried things to far and others maybe not enough. I don't know you "julie" or Dion for that matter, they are just names. This blog to me is maybe my way of understanding the process of my own feelings through someone who I think is dealing with it a much better way then most. To share what he is going though is both brave and helpful too many. I think it should be viewed as just that and not to be taken as a personal attack on anyone. It is unfortunate that love hits hard on the lover,just as hard as it can hit the one that just doesn't feel love in return. We don't ask for it, it is just there. Damned if you do and damned if you don't goes both ways and it sucks!

Dion Burn said...

Thank you, pandoraskey, for your reconcialatory perspective. I'm glad that you find my blog helpful; however, since Julie's comment and subsequent conversation with her, I have decided to end the blog after one last post that I hope will clearly explain my decision and tie things up with all due grace.