Sticks and Bones

The first part of a chronicle of a crush-turned-obsession. I'm sorry, Julie.

To experience this in natural reading order go to A Bright, Ironic Hell: The Straight Read .

Also, try Satellite Dance and Crystal Delusions--Parts 2 and 3, respectively--complete.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tearing Down Bridges to Build Walls (7/29/09 Wednesday)

The battle is pride versus conscience. It's obvious which the victor should be, but justice is not always served, and as the armaments are shared, it's not likely either side will grab the flag without disproportionate losses. What's the prize, anyway? The princess doesn't care which knight wins the joust or which suitor wins the duel--the winner lives and the loser dies. Whoopee. This has always been the battle, but before Julie knew how I felt about her, the battlefield was on my own land.

I can stop the metaphors, but I can't stop the battle. Though my pride has no rights to anything my conscience can't break from its grip. Being nice to Julie is not an option. Neither is being mean, but the absence of courtesy can convey vindictiveness, and my conscience is sensitive to those occurrences. Yesterday, she obviously needed some help with a heavily laden Easy cart. I was there and could have pulled her clear, but I ignored her and continued past. She had asked Mike a couple hours earlier for similar help and that had stung me. Now I stung myself. I felt I couldn't step in without giving in to Julie in some way, though, of course, it would have been only pride to which I'd have been acceding. If I could have done it stone-faced and silent I might have retained my attitude. Having said that, it's suddenly apparent that I have more intent to save my pride than to appease my conscience, for I make no such strategic speculation toward the retention of goodwill. So be it, I suppose, though such glibness speaks more to my immediate impatience with trying to codify my logic than to how I really feel--and probably speaks volumes of the inanity of this strategy.


pandoraskey said...

I think there is some guilt in loving someone so much it stings, there is also guilt in knowing someone has loved you and for some stupid reasoning on cupids part you just don't feel the same way. We avoid each other, try as we might not to become bitter or burdoned by it all it would be a nice thought to make it all go away and call a truce. Nobody wins though. We can make a pill for everything these days can you imagine how much this one may cost?
It would be well worth it! but would take an entire lifes savings which would defeit the purpose.

Deboshree said...

My dear Dion,
The way you are behaving, she will never be able to guess what you think.
If I were you, my conscience would have definitely taken the front seat but I guess guys are very different.
It's nice to let go of pride at times, especially if it means helping someone. You can't regret it later.


Dion Burn said...

Julie knows as well as you do what I have been thinking. Read her comment on the previous post under "t.c. sinatras."

I won't justify pride's decisions; they are simply easier to follow than conscience's on most occasions. I won't represent or speak for other men in this regard.

Deboshree said...

Oh dear.. I read her comment.
She has a point Dion.
I would hate it if you have to disappear from the blogging world but I guess Julie is right. It is true that I never thought from her point of view. It must be difficult for her to accept this.

But Dion, I have a favour to ask of you. Would you please not stop writing? You can start a blog which would be just about you and what you think(not about Julie). Do think about it coz I, for one, would hate to see you disappear.