Not Just LIKE Like Me (7/29/08 Tuesday)

I have to consider divesting myself of the Julie obsession. Regardless of whatever "signs" there are or aren’t pointing to her interest in me, I’ve been feeling such a fool that whatever impression I’m making can’t be good. What does she think of me?–and I don’t mean "Does she like me?" I mean, what am I like in her mind’s eye? As a person, as a coworker. Then, maybe, as a man. I used to be satisfied that, professionally, I’m about all I ever will be, but knowing that Julie strives for more is a disquieting consideration. For myself, I’m still satisfied, but for Julie, I fear, I’m not enough.

Julie and Stacey are going hiking Sunday. Stacey knows it’s something of a fact-finding mission, but I don’t want her to be burdened by it; nor do I want her to betray Julie’s confidence to me. Stacey and I will have to talk about it before the weekend.

Still I ache to tell someone else about the crush. I missed my chance at Gay-Lynn for two weeks. Chris would be fine to tell, but he’s just turned thirty, still too young, really, to fully empathize with my predicament; and I most need someone who can offer real advice and sympathy, and possibly even some active help. I judge everyone now by those standards, and nobody else seems to reach them. If I thought that to even the smallest degree it was safe to confide with anyone in my own department, I would tell Mike. For a long while today I considered Tammy. I even considered Julie herself for one insane moment, but decided I should keep the awkwardness to myself.