Sticks and Bones

The first part of a chronicle of a crush-turned-obsession. I'm sorry, Julie.


To experience this in natural reading order go to A Bright, Ironic Hell: The Straight Read .


Also, try Satellite Dance and Crystal Delusions--Parts 2 and 3, respectively--complete.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

And to the Academy, God, and My Mother (9/07/08 Sunday)

Tomorrow brings Julie back, as well as my anxiety, which, given my mission for the week, just might reach a new apex. I’m still chanting the mantra, but I can’t do that in my sleep, where my anxiety runs free and gleeful. I rarely look at the next day’s schedule (it’s hard enough to remember two hours in a row), but I don’t know that I can stop myself from peeking at tomorrow. I’d better not, though; that would smell of planning. Frankly, I just want to go out to the desk on my turn and find Julie as my company, and let me ask her what I need to ask her. I suppose I can make my own opportunity–but there’s that smell again. What if the natural opportunity doesn’t arise? After all, I’m not giving myself a very big window to get through, waiting till the last two days. Maybe I won’t wait that long. I need to be open to the chance all week–without actively looking for it. Will I recognize it? Will I disguise it with an excuse? Ah, but I obsess.

Hinckley has expressed great confidence in my ultimate resolve. I don’t know how genuinely he feels that way, but I’ll take it as cheerleading at least. He says he’s really excited for me, and that I believe. I told him of my intention for the week before I told Stacey. In fact he joined me and Stacey for gelato after work to make sure I told her and that he would be there for it. His enthusiasm is touching and inspiring. I feel almost as if I were doing this for him. Maybe that’s not a bad way to think about it: If I felt I were doing this for someone else, then I would feel better about doing it, as if I were coming out of myself to get something done for someone else, putting my own needs on the back burner. Sure: I’ll dedicate this effort to Hinckley.

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