On Which Side Is Irony? (1/06/09 Tuesday)

Resolve--how that word has changed attitude! Where once it bolstered courage, it now props up cowardice. Cowardice hardly needs the crutch. It's more sure of itself than courage ever was. It's simply easier being a coward. I hope to avoid Julie all day today. Only four of our hours concur, so it might be doable. (I'm disappointed I even mentioned her name.) Step One is to finish lunch and get out of the breakroom within ten minutes, when the next shift starts streaming in. I won't plan out the avoidance: I won't check the schedule and whiteboard to chart her whereabouts, and I'll face what incidental contact I have to with as much civility as I can muster without copping an attitude.

*****

It almost worked, then it failed miserably. I ignored her, despite some close proximity, for more than three hours. I thought I had it made. At three o'clock she was trapped at the window and I was to shelve. Easy. But first I had to eat something; lunch was long gone. I got a cheese stick from the fridge and stood across from it as I ate. Before my last bite I heard steps and turned and stared down into a pair of dark blue marbles. "Dammit!" was what I was thinking. "Hey," is what I said, and failure slapped me. I threw the last bit of cheese in my mouth. She passed me without response. At the sink she said, "Taking a break, huh?" Duh. I grunted what little acknowledgement I could get away with and lingered uncertainly a moment before heading back up the hall. Julie had won a battle she hadn't even been fighting. Now I was angry and disappointed, both with myself. Childish or not, this is the challenge I've set myself. Like "resolve," "challenge" is now working on the side of cowardice. Tomorrow is the same chance, with the short overlap of hours. I hope to do better.

Emailed Tammy about my request. She had talked to Ahmed, but neither could find the form they thought I'd need to fill to make the request official, so it was suggested to me to make the request of Christine myself via email, which I did late in the day. The next step, Ahmed told me, was for Christine to ask all my counterparts at Tuckahoe if they would consider coming over to Twin Hickory. The Big If. It stops me dead in my tracks to think how easily I could be stuck at Twin Hickory. This avoidance of Julie is only designed to last until my transfer. If the transfer doesn't happen I'm a dead man--just tell me what to do, where to go, don't make me talk.

Two nights ago I had a rare pleasant dream scene, even rarer for featuring Julie with me. I haven't the details, just the mood: Very happy, full of laughter, like a pair of old friends in perfect synch. How I could have dreamt that is unfathomable to me. Where could it have come from?