Sucfailcessure Guaranteed (1/21/09 Wednesday)

Of course, there is an irony to be found in my avoid-dance: I have to be aware of where Julie is in order to not encounter her. That is how I have set myself up to fail: Since I refuse to monitor her whereabouts--not looking for her name on the schedule or her writing beside her name on the whiteboard--so as to ward off obsessive behavior while aiding the pretense of her non-existence, I hinder my ability to carry out the endeavor. And that's as it should be. I can't do this forever; I have to let reality prevail, eventually, if only surreptitiously. By not aiding the immature behavior to creep in over it. In theory. I have not, in a long while, mentioned any action of Julie's not relative to me. I've refrained, even, from mentioning the few interactions between us. They don't matter anymore, do they? Certainly not in the way I'd always tried to make them matter before. Realistically, I am over Julie: emotionally, I am not. I'm trying to make emotional distance with physical distance, but I fear I'll make much more distance than I want. To state to Julie what I'm doing is to force her involvement, to bring her down to my level. And she's already reached it. One of my old habits broke through for a moment just before she left. We crossed paths, I looked at her, she didn't look at me. I'm fairly certain this is not what I wanted. What did I want? How could such behavior have any noble intent? Closure is what I want, but I don't know how to get it or even what I want closure to. Am I still trying to force Julie to talk to me? That's just not going to happen--yet another of those things I know but can't seem to get. What stops me from getting it? What is this force, this barrier that prevents assimilation of this knowledge? It's like half an epoxy or a vitamin that needs another vitamin to work. What is missing?