You Mean Fairly? Or Ironically? (1/07/09 Wednesday)

It was much easier today to avoid Julie, and not at all satisfying. I'm not simply avoiding her. I've made her all but invisible to me. That is certainly beyond the pale of what I intended. It's childish and petty, and I have no idea why I care. I was on the desk at one with Mike, but he brought out the leasebook cart to shelve. I sat staring and sighing and watching the minutes click past on the task bar. Someone passed behind me. Julie said, "Are you alone out here?" Reluctant to speak and resentful that I had to, I responded, "Mm. Mike's over there," and I threw a thumb to the opposite corner. I had only glanced toward her voice, reluctant, too, to look at her. She came back out at the top of the hour, and when she slid into Mike's empty slot I turned away from her and marched to the door. So much for civility.

But why do I care? Is it simply conscience, knowing I'm not being mature? Do I really care about Julie's feelings? Should I assume that this even affects her? Am I just flattering myself to do so? Do I really think this could matter to anyone but me? I care very little about appearing sullen or aloof. Only the introverts have noticed that. They are giving me a wider berth than usual. I am not going to fit in, so I might as well not fit in on my own terms. Is it more mature to live a lie in order to get along than it is to not hide how I feel? How much am I obligated to play the game? What reward is there? Homogeneity? Of course I want to know what's in it for me! I'd be paying a pretty steep price for it, after all. The prize is not desirable. It's the same one I got for trusting Chris.

Christine has already talked to Burnnie at Tuckahoe, who will talk to her staff. I don't know how long it will take to hear anything about that, but I'm pleased that Christine jumped right on it. I'm worrried that Craig might want to come over. He's the only guy there I can talk to, and everyone at Twin Hickory would love him. James was well-loved, too, and he's barely a ghost at Twin Hickory now. Imagine how quickly I'd be forgotten if I were replace with Craig.

I finally nailed Chris to a time to meet. We'll do it at lunch tomorrow. I don't know what my agenda will be. Part of me wants to blow it off, but that's the cowardly part. But the other part is feeling almost vindictive. I'm not ready to forgive Chris, and I don't want to part from him tomorrow with him thinking everything's fine between us. I have to remember the damage he's done and not be magnaminimous about letting bygones be bygones. Is that immature? So what? There is nothing of which I can conceive that he could do to make amends. I'm still looking for what I deserve. What is that?