Sent (1/19/09 Monday)

"I've been ignoring you. It's immature, I am not proud of it, and I get no joy or satisfaction from it. The requested 'trade' to Tuckahoe fell through, so I'm stuck here. Whatever embarrassment I felt about the blog has long since faded and not stopped me from writing it, but the disappointment has not abated. I am disappointed in myself for trying to take from you more than you could give me; in Chris, for betraying my trust (I told him about the blog four months ago) and not coming to me with his concerns; in you, for going to management instead of coming to me; and in the high-school level of maturity shown by many of our co-workers last month. I am disappointed in both you and Chris for reading only 'enough' of my blog to slap a derogatory label on me or to think that I could be harmful to you. The biggest of those disappointments is in myself for ignoring the advice of my intuition. Neither did I miss any of the hints hurled at me during that torture session at Stir Crazy; I just chose not to catch them. (For the record, the pre-rejection flattery--'nice guy,' 'great guy,' whatever--is something maybe most guys will let themselves believe for the sake of their pride, but to me it is simply a condescension, an assumption of inability to handle the truth.)

"As usual, I write all this with no expectations whatsoever. It is the forum I would never otherwise get; no one here exactly specializes in assertive communication. Besides, whatever issues are left are mine, not on anyone else's agenda now that the fun's over for everyone else. There's no recompense for which to ask, nothing that can be fixed, no principal characters willing to talk about it. To think that all I ever wanted was for you to talk to me is to induce in me a grin and a slow shake of the head over what came of my stubbornness to admit failure. So I ignore you now as my childish way of finally acquiescing to the unreality of that hope and learning to live with it. Things would be nice the way they were, when you at least trusted me with your silliness, but as I betrayed that trust with hopes of more, I'll understand not being so trusted again. These days, you are happier than I've ever seen you, practically outside yourself. I will content myself empathetically with that."