Love, Hate--Six of One... (2/27/09 Friday)

The meeting with Ahmed brought back much of the recent resentment of Julie, the old indignation of persecution, and the older feelings for Julie. I don't want any of them. I've gotten two or three hours on the desk with Julie each of the past two weeks, and each one has been more of a struggle than the previous to maintain my self. What now does being in love with her mean? Anything? Is it even true? And now that I question it, I want more than ever for it to be true, because there was comfort in the faith I had in its trueness. I don't want Julie, and I don't want to want her. I don't want to be around her or hear her voice. Why that should hurt, I don't understand. I don't feel embarrassed that I wasted so much time on her. I'm no longer trying to make back some of my emotional investment. I make those statements sincerely, but I don't know if they are true. What can there be about her anymore that holds me in her thrall? She's beautiful, but so what? I can think of nothing else about her that I actually value.

And then I hear her talking about that man who tried to talk her up on the desk that time, and how he so doesn't have a chance with her. She was not oblivious that day; she was shunning him. I sneered about it then, but now it angers and hurts me. She admires Stacey for putting herself out there, yet there is no respect for the man who puts his dignity on the line when she won't do it for herself. Does he deserve your ridicule, Julie? I want to say some very cruel things right now, but I'm a better person than that--forget deference to anyone's feelings; I'm just not going to stoop to that level. I'll just sit here with my arms crossed and listen to my shoulders knot up.