Operation Devolution (2/22/09 Sunday)

I would not have expected The Admittance to be a liberator, but for the first time I feel able to reconcile my understanding to my knowing. Understanding I could come to, and knowing I could understand, but I couldn't know what I understood. Muddy as that seems, it's exactly what I've been putting myself through over most of the past year. The Admittance all but marginalized those tribulations, saying, "Stop right there. Bottom line: You're in love with her. No more talking around it." But should this not have made my pursuit all the more necessary? What about The Admittance made it suddenly so easy to accept Julie feeling nothing for me? It's as if being in love with her was all I wanted all along; that I didn't need her to love me back. Strange to consider, but the less so the more I do so.

And what now? I may have little time to bask in this complacence once Book Monkey speaks. Of course it will be construed as a new pursuit of Julie, but how much more of an object could she be, now that I've created Book Monkey? She's practically an archetype. And all because I'm in love with her? This is no attempt to turn Julie my way--that will never happen--but I do want her to know I am in love with her. I know I said otherwise yesterday, but why deny the first reason for creating Book Monkey? But do I expect anything of Julie over this? Absolutely not. I thought she should know, and this was the silliest and subtlest way I could let her know. And why not let everyone else know, while I'm at it? I hate secrets. Julie would keep this a secret even from me if she could, but let's obviate the whispers. I won't be the only one amused. Let's laugh out loud, not stifle it under our breaths and behind backs. This joke is at no one's expense but mine. What offense can Julie take that doesn't flatter her to think she's Book Monkey's love interest? Hell, who's the butt here? I'm the monkey!

I've already written several posts for Book Monkey Says, but I won't post a second one before the blog has made it to the roll on the Web 2.0 sidebar. I want the first one to stand alone for a day to promote the effect of isolation. After that, I plan to release no more than one post daily, as I don't want the latest post to smother the previous before it's had a chance to be read. I'm excited and stimulated by this new project. I think it will resonate far beyond the joke it was born as.