Bottomless Just Might Be Deep Enough (12/04/08 Thursday)

The ironies pile onto ironies, grow from them like crystals, until the source is buried deep inside, inextricable. I always get what I ask for, but boy do I get it. I get pantsed every time. I will never see it coming, and a belt is no defense. Who do I pray to to stop this farce? (And what irony have I put in motion with that statement?)

Before Julie, Jennifer was the last to know. Seems I've been entertaining half the crew for a couple of months or more, ever since, apparently, I left it on the history at the front desk. I hope it's been a good show, a rollicking joy ride. I'll bet you got a good laugh about "I don't mind as long as I don't know." I told Hinckley, "If nothing else, at least they know there's another writer in the house"--if only one that is "obsessed" and "scary," as I've heard yours truly called this week. Really heats up the ol' aortic cockles, don't it? Ah, my sweet, voyeuristic audience. You got the show in two media, didn't you?--live performance and reportage. Which have you enjoyed more?

But Jennifer is not off the hook. In fact, I've raised it higher off the ground; so she can try to squirm off, but she can either further impale herself or take the plunge. Sounds cruel, doesn't it? I'm not cruel, just angry. I don't want to hurt Jennifer, not even as much as she's hurt me. She did what she thought was best for Julie--didn't think hard enough, but had good intentions. Of course, what were her intentions in stealing my blog from over my shoulder? She didn't discover it two months ago or she would have told Julie then. But why did she tell her? Why did she feel Julie had to know? How much did she actually read? Did she not notice that I was hyper-aware of my own actions and state of mind, that I could never allow myself to hurt Julie? (That's the kind of reader that gets books banned.) No, she's still got her talking-to coming. I'm going to ask Tammy to facilitate, though. I told Tammy tonight that this talk had to happen. She suggested the third party and her office. I said, how about everyone, in the meeting room, obviate the gossip and stage-whispering? She was concerned about my being too aggressive. I am, too, frankly, because I want to be sure I say all my peace, and I don't want to reduce her to tears before I get an apology. I told Tammy, though, "I'll be the first one in tears," because I am still beyond belief that anyone could do what she did and think it was a good thing, that I was some dangerous stranger preying on the imagined affections of some defenseless little girl. Did she have to punish Stacey and Hinkley by their supportive association with me? Yes, they're hurt. Do they deserve to be? Do I deserve to be? I don't know how (or if) Julie is hurt, but I suspect she's mostly creeped out. I made some unfair conjectures, such as about compartmentalizing, in anger and frustration (with myself), but that was how I felt. Because I felt that way at that moment, was I a danger? If that's not a rhetorical question to you, then you aren't a very good reader, either.

Good luck convincing me I'm the bad guy. If I leave my bike unlocked, do I deserve to have it stolen? Is it a thief's right to steal? I removed the permissions on the blog after only a day because I decided not to be cowed by thugs into barring my windows and bolting my doors. I've already been stripped bare; what more can be taken from me?

Can I say I'm over Julie? Will you believe me this time? "Obsessed" is not term of endearment, not even to a "scary" guy like. Hey, even creeps have dignity--if not a hole big enough to disappear into.