"No, I Wouldn't!" (12/01/08 Monday)

Eventually, I found some normalcy today. Julie wasn't at work--at a class and then STEP training, I think. Stacey wasn't back from her trip, so I had to pedal in. I was anxious to have Julie see me on the road. When I didn't see her car at the Nuckols 295 exit, I prayed she hadn't beaten me to work. When I didn't see her car I rolled to the back door and parked, front fender turned outward. But even after I'd changed she wasn't there. I looked at the schedule: She wasn't there, either. That's when I grew sullen. That wore off in a couple hours, though, and I felt more relaxed than since the moment after Julie said, "Yes, I would!" There was no doubt of the cause. I began to know what it could be like without her there forever. And I'll have the first half of the day tomorrow without her. How much equilibrium can I restore before then? How much more of my self can I reclaim?

Thomas saw the picture on my fender. I gave him a wink and a grin when he said, "Who's that on your front fender?" If I wanted to keep it a secret, Thomas' knowing would be the last thing I'd want, but I couldn't be gladder he made the discovery. He can tell whoever he wants, Julie included. I won't give him express permission, but he certainly has my blessing. I'd like to pretend I don't know she knows. I'm sure Thomas wasn't the only one who saw that picture today. Ahmed told me my helmet and gloves were on the ground, and when I went out there to pick them up I found my bike moved so that the front wheel was only inches from the door, under the tag sensor. Jeez, I was hoping to be subtler that that. Of course, I don't know if Julie's seen the picture. I'm a little worried that if she finds out about it from someone else that it might embarrass her. I don't want that. (This, after I just said I didn't care if Thomas told her!) I also don't want Gay Lynn to regret giving it to me.

Watched Charlie Chaplin's The Circus with the kids yesterday. How often I've fantasized about being Julie's hero! or at least a hero in her witness. But would I be man enough to give her to the other guy?