Team Pandora (12/06/08 Saturday)

Yes, I'm a sensitive person; that is, I'm aware of and attuned to the myriad stimuli life puts before me. It does not mean that I hurt when someone doesn't like my shoes or that I cry when someone isn't attracted to me. It does mean that I know when I'm patronized and condescended to. I'm not a raw nerve to be dulled with flattery. I'm not a house of cards afraid of a stir of air. "Sensitive" is not an adjective exclusive to the emotions. I'm a sensitive thinker and a sensitive seer, as well. Don't think that I don't see an evasion in words, eyes, or actions. I am also aware that others are sensitive in less subtle ways, are raw nerves or card houses, are threatened by candor and speechless eye contact. I am not fond of compromising for them. The compromise is not mine to make. Which is more valuable to comunication, candor or timidity? Which one needs to be compromised to effect effective communication? I will be the one to seek resolution because I'm the one that deserves it, because the the timid will not compromise their fear in order do the right thing.

But the damage is done, and I'll never know its extent. What I can't control I should let go, right? Should. When did I ever do what I should do? There's nothing to do, though, that I can see. Nothing to plan or stratgegize. It hardly even seems to make sense to talk to Julie, not just about this, but about anything. Where has my interest in her ever gotten me? Fascinating aned unique she may be, but.... I'm trying to not like her. It won't work. I'm angry at Jennifer and embarrassed. How I'll ever not be embarrassed, I don't know. I can't see a future without embarrassment. Strange, to be punished--for what? Julie's eyes looked almost black this week, especially when they pretended not to see me. I managed to contact them a couple times. I was looking for something, but I couldn't find purchase. You know, if she could just face me and tell me how this has made her feel, I could get on about life. Woudn't it help her, too? That's probably for how long I'll be embarrassed--until she talks to me about it. Forever. I'll get some sort of closure on the matter from Jennifer, but Jennifer opened a box only Julie can close. And she won't--I'm sure of that. How can I feel so bad and not have done anything wrong? That's what silence does: creates doubt.