Or Smart, Handsome, Witty, Muscular, Sane...? (12/18/08/ Thursday)

As the work day looms my gorge rises, my shoulder tightens. I don't know how to deal with this, given that pretense of any sort is an unattractive option. I don't want to further poison the workplace with my attitude, and to alienate myself with aloofness won't help that cause. I will make no attempt to fit in--that's never worked without a loss of identity--but I would like to be accepted as I am, on my own terms--not exactly how it works in a workplace. And, of course, that's not up to me, so it won't happen. A few people accept me on my terms, but others--including at least two important "others"--have not and, I dare say, will not. that's plenty enough poison to make a work environment toxic. The only thing to look forward to today is the possibility that Tammy's talked to Ahmed about my proposal, and that something good might come of it. If she has and it won't, I will remain in my hell to endure as best I can until an opportunity arises.

*****

Tammy has, sort of, started things rolling: She's told Hillary but doesn't know if Hillary's told Ahmed. Who knows how long this will take. In the meantime, I've just about given up trying to be a model, or even friendly, coworker. Without an organic understanding of what I need to do besides pretend, I've decided, for better or worse, to just stay in my bunker. I should never have poked my head up out of there in the first place, but raised my helmet on a stick to take the enemy fire. At least then I'd have the lie of the land and could have planned accordingly. Julie might be affected, but I doubt it and don't care. She never wanted my attention, so this should be preferable to the stupid questions and the embarrassments. Besides, caring only makes it harder, and since I've read everything else about her wrong, what good is there in speculating? (My shoulder tightens.) I'll get over this, but I'm not confident it will be in a mature and healthy way. But who's ever accused me of being mature?