Sticks and Bones

The first part of a chronicle of a crush-turned-obsession. I'm sorry, Julie.


To experience this in natural reading order go to A Bright, Ironic Hell: The Straight Read .


Also, try Satellite Dance and Crystal Delusions--Parts 2 and 3, respectively--complete.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Is That How I Lost All That Weight? (12/21/08 Sunday)

Last week I cancelled the eharmony subscription. It can't happen that way, and I always knew that, but desperation is a fool. Why should I be more desperate than I've ever been? I've been lonely my entire life, and lonely is lonely--lonely at ten is lonely at fifty. The time lost pursuing Julie factors in, but that can't be recovered, and I'm not eager, anyway, to leave my self behind in another pursuit. I need to recover whatever else I've lost this year besides time. I'm not ready. And I knew, seven months ago today, that pursuit was a bright, ironic hell that I couldn't possibly emerge from without burns and sun-spotted vision. But there was the challenge. I took it on, it beat me up. I can't take it on again. I risked humiliation because I thought I had a chance and thought I had some control over the situation, but I never had any of that and never will. It's just not up to me. That ironic god can play its stupid pranks on me, but the last time it yanked my pants down I stepped out of them and left them in a heap. What dignity I have left is all mine, and I'm in no hurry to dissipate it in another fruitless effort. I have a life to live, alone or otherwise. If love wants to come along it knows where to find me--not that I'll summarily let it in. No game, my rules.

Of course, now there is nothing to look forward to at work. Though the furor has died down and the gossip-mongers are no doubt on to the next humiliation, I was not given a viable option to move on. It won't end for me before I'm out of there for good. At Hinckley's going-away Friday I gave Chris the cold shoulder, and Hinckley wasn't thrilled to see him, either. But Hinckley doesn't have to deal with him anymore. I don't want to be a petty jerk, but am I supposed to just let it go?

No, let me just blog my anger and frustration until a "friend" runs to Chris to try to protect him from me! Like I can even be a jerk relative to Chris' action against me. By the standard he's set, I could never be a jerk by simply ignoring him. I don't think I could be a jerk short of blowing up his car. If I have a cheek to turn it's not moving. Maybe one day I'll find the silver lining in this cloud he's drawn over my life, but until then I'm going to carve out a pound of his emotional flesh. That just might replace what he's ripped from me.

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