In deference to Julie, because it would have been posted on the blog, I decided not to post her invitation to meet. I didn't want the whispers. As yet, I can't recount the meeting--probably never will. At best, I can say that I am depressed and sobered and left with a lot to work through. With any luck, I'll be able to keep Julie out of it. My deepest hurt is to have made her uncomfortable and distrustful of her actions toward me (lest she give me the wrong idea). I have to discover how I did that, and why. I have a lot of shame to work past, but how do I stop punishing myself for it and get on with the recovery? I joked once about this being a twelve-step program, but maybe I'm not far off. I'm sure the answers are in the journal, but I don't know if I can read it again.
The first thing I know is that I can't carry this to work; I can't wear this mission on my sleeve. Things will be as normal as I can make them seem, until they really are. It will be an immense strain, hiding my self behind smiles and pleasantries, but it will be an artifice much more productive than the last. But there's another mine field: Dedicating this effort to Julie's comfort, I'm objectifying he again. Oh, I can't talk about this anymore tonight. I just can't make sense to myself, and that means I'm telling myself lies.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
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1 comment:
I hope you're able to write about what you and Julie talked about at some point. Maybe later in the blog?
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