Retreat Under a Cloak of Invisibility (12/30/08 Tuesday)

I ignored Julie today, but I never wanted to. I started to say good morning to her but she'd just put the phone to her ear, and since then I have been afraid to look at her, for fear of old feelings. She could have greeted me moments later as I was pulling holds to delete. She passed close with the pick list cart. I didn't see her till she was by. People do that, though--"not see" you. I do it (obviously), but I don't know why. I think it's rooted in self-worth. It's never about the ignored person. I feel some pity for myself when I do it.

I worry about the old feelings resurfacing. Though considerably quashed by Julie's unequivocal non-reciprocation, they linger, and I let them, having given up trying to talk them away, which is simply an oppression; and oppression, of course, always produces rebellion. All I can do is remember how she feels about me. I don't hope, I don't look for signs. At lunch Saturday she sat across from me. I started to make something of it, but where she sat was her usual place, so she either just preferred that seat and didn't care who sat across from her, or she didn't want me to think she was avoiding me by sitting elsewhere. I didn't flatter myself with the second option, and didn't even begin to entertain a third, more fanciful and advantageous option. This is a struggle, with no end in sight. Not before I leave, anyway. In the meantime, avoidance seems the best, if not the bravest strategy.