But Take the Hands First (12/11/08 Thursday)

There are a lot of things I may never understand about all this. It all starts with, What did I do wrong? This is not an indignant rhetorical question. I've asked it enough times aloud to know that even the people who have judged me can't answer it. What is this judgement? and why has it been so roundly accepted? Is this what people ther have always thought of me? What makes me reasonably judged to be dangerous? Did anyone who read the blog not feel this way? Am I really alone in this? or are the sympathetic afraid to show themselves and therefore admit they'd been reading the blog? (I used the word "mortified" several times with Julie the other night in reference to what people might know about me from their reading of the blog, but I don't really feel that anymore. It just doesn't matter.) Can they tell me what I did wrong? It would be nice to believe that someone besides Hinckley had read with any understanding, but a lot of things would be nice. It wasn't understood. Once a judgement is made there is no room for understanding.

The reason I may never understand is that there is no rationality. There is no Good Reason. Has anyone thought? I'm down the rabbit hole and through the looking glass at the same time. The prevailing logic is none at all, and the norm is insanity. Off with my head! At least then I can be as clueless as everyone else.

Chris said I was going over the edge, that I couln't write about everything she did and wore--I stopped him there, challenging him to find that in the blog. For god's sake, I haven't so much as looked up her library record, something many another coworker has no conscience against doing. I don't know and never cared where she lives. I wouldn't know her age if Stacey hadn't told me. Where is this edge? He said I can write what I want in a journal, but I can't let just anyone read it. Figure that one out. I'm not yelling "Fire!" in a crowded theatre. Can I tell anyone I want? Do my rights only extend as far as not leaving a paper trail? Is that why the gossipers have been immune? Or is the determination of rights based on who's being talked about? Talk about Dion all you want, but talk about Julie and you've crossed the line!

A couple weeks ago, I pondered aloud to Stacey, "I wonder if Chris ever read my blog." She said he "probably doesn't have time." I said, "I figured either that was the case, or he has read it and thinks I'm a freak." Well, the truth is out. I forgive Chris breaking my trust--I have to, because Gay Lynn forgave me the same mistake--but that's all that's forgiven, and likely ever will be. I can't get back what he's taken; I can't collect all the pieces scattered carelessly about the library. the best I can hope (hope!) is that they will eventually be ground stainlessly into the carpet.